My Government recently reversed certain key foreign policies. This was expressed in a letter to all Australians by government spokesperson Hugh Mackay (The Age, 15/2).
We are no longer prepared to use the threat of military action against sovereign nations where it "does not concern us". (The French, Russians and Chinese will provide direction on what concerns us from now on.)
Since Saddam remains electorally unassailable with 100% of last year's vote, we are not prepared to violate his sovereignty. Further, the French and Russians assure us that our concerns are not needed as they have significant politico-industrial agreements in place.
We feel your pain. We recognise that your previous attempts at revolt have been countered with poison gas and torture. Hence, our advise to you is to bribe local officials, pay people smugglers and cross the oceans to Australia any way that you can.
That tiny fraction of 1% of you with the means and fortune to achieve this can look forward to a stay in our recently-humanised desert detention camps. Those of you with children are advised to send them on ahead unaccompanied, to ensure that they are released into our foster care system without delay.
If the camps really don't appeal, you may avail yourselves of the new "benefit of the doubt" vetting policy. This means that as long as you don't offer any evidence of your claims you will be fast-tracked into the community. Good luck! Yours sincerely, Not the Prime Minister.